Unacceptable behavior is never going to respond positively to negative statements such as “you have a bad attitude” or “you’re lazy.”
Turn the conversation instead to what the behavior is, how it is affecting the other staff and the office, and how the manager and other staff see the staffer because of it.
Then show alternative behaviors. But leave it to the staffer to decide that a change needs to be made and what the change has to be.
Here’s how to put all that to work with three kinds of staffers – the pouter, the manager wannabe, and the excuse-finder.
All three can be found in any office, says management consultant Bob Bowman, of Human Resource Management Consultants in Longmont, CO. “And they all have to be dealt with – the sooner the better.”
The pouters with protruding lips
Afraid they don’t have the right to challenge
First is the staffer who pouts.
The pouter is somebody who expresses displeasure or disagreement or disappointment by sulking. And the facial expression that goes along with it is protruding lips.
Pouters are people “who have never been given the right or earned the right to express themselves, and they have turned inward as a result,” Bowman says.
They are passive aggressive. They use the pouting as a socially acceptable way to abuse the people who offend them.
Why do people turn to that type of behavior?
In most cases, “because they don’t have a feeling of empowerment.” They don’t think they have the right to challenge anything. So they get back at people by being negative toward them.
The way to approach the pouter is the same way to approach any unacceptable behavior: define what it is that has to be changed.
Be candid, Bowman says. Introduce it with “it appears to me that in certain situations you project a negative pouting persona.”
Then give examples: “I noticed it in situation A and in situation B.”
There’s a good chance the staffer will pout right through the conversation, and if so, don’t let it pass unnoticed. Say “and right now, you’re demonstrating the same behavior.”
From there, show what effect the pouting is producing: “This behavior is causing the other staff to react to you by doing X.”
What the manager has just said is “This is what needs to stop, and this is why it needs to stop.”
People have to come to the conclusion on their own that their behavior is inappropriate. The manager has just told the staffer why it’s inappropriate and has left it up to the individual to see that it is.
Now the job is to get the staffer to stop the pouting.
The way to get people to change, he says, is to get them to recognize the situations that bring about their undesirable behavior. So ask the why of it: “What’s bringing this on? What is it about these situations that you have to present yourself in this way?”
Then help the staffer see alternative ways to deal with those situations.
Pouters, he says, “need to know they have the right to communicate.” Thus, the alternatives might be “when you feel like you are going to withdraw, you need to ask the other person for more information” or “you need to talk with that other person further and find out why the conversation is affecting you the way it is.”
From there, it’s up to the staffer to make the change. No manager can force that. People won’t change any behavior “unless they figure it out for themselves.”
The wanna-be-the-boss staffers
Feeling slighted because they didn’t get the job
Next is the manager wannabe, or the person who tries to tell other people what to do. It’s not even uncommon for that type of person to shout at the manager.
The solution there, Bowman says, is to make it clear that Wannabe isn’t the boss. And be blunt about it: “Look, So-and-So, you are not the boss in this situation. If you have a complaint or if you think things need to be done differently, I want to hear what you have to say, but your position does not give you the authority to behave the way you are behaving.”
Wannabes have to understand their position and also their role in the organization.
Again, tell what needs to be changed and why: “You have done this in situation A, it is unacceptable, and here’s why.”
People who try to be the boss are usually people who feel slighted. That’s particularly true when somebody wanted to be promoted to manager and didn’t get the job. They act that way because they weren’t selected.
With them, the manager has to stay in control but at the same time let them feel valued.
That doesn’t mean rewarding the bad behavior, he says. But over time, find out what their strengths are and use them.
Recognize their talents and show them how they can be helpful within the office. If they have leadership skills – and wannabes often do – provide leadership opportunities.
Doing that “can turn someone who is bitter into someone who thinks ‘at least I’m respected.’”
But as with any behavior issue, the decision to change has to be the employee’s. With the wannabe, that means accepting the fact that somebody else was chosen for the job.
The accept-no-blame people
Never willing to own up to failure
The third problem type is the staffer who has an excuse for everything – and never hesitates to put the blame on somebody else.
Once again, tell what needs to be changed: “You did not accept responsibility for what you did in A and B.” And tell too the effect that has on how the manager and the other staff perceive that person.
As for effecting a change, the best tactic for excusers and blamers, Bowman says, “is to get them to understand their role” in whatever situations are being discussed.
Ask outright: “What role did you play in A?”
And then get that person to recognize what change needs to be made: “You may feel it was someone else’s fault, but you were involved. Why do you believe the mistake happened, and what would you do differently next time?”
Excusers have to accept ownership for their actions. When they cite some reason they aren’t at fault, bring them back to reality with “We are not talking about what Staffer Smith did. We are talking about you and what your role was in this and what you can do differently next time.”
And hopefully, the excuser will come to the conclusion of “oh, I could have done that differently.”
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